Life is Not a Popularity Contest

 

Growing up, high school was very much a popularity contest. We were all trying to fit in and stand out simultaneously, and being in the "in" crowd was something most of us coveted, staying in if in or climbing up if out. I was fortunate to go to a high school in which the cliques all generally got along and bullying was kept to a bare minimum. But there was no doubt that the most valuable currency around was popularity.

Fast forward to the present and I suspect popularity is still important, albeit maybe taking new forms. We desire for followers and high-fives on social media. Whether on such platforms or in real life, we say things that tickle the ears because we want to be accepted, liked, and adored, especially in today's hyper-divisive climate. Speaking of growing chasms, the worst possible thing for most people is to be ostracized by one's tribe, since sympathy or acceptance from "the other side" is an even worse fate.

All of which must be reconciled with the fact that, in life, there are many times that we have to elevate other things above popularity. Indeed, the very important things in life can require us to do downright unpopular things. Anyone who aspires to be a parent, a boss, a civic leader, or a change agent must come to grips with the fact that fulfilling those roles often necessitates that we say or do things that will not be rewarded with the instant gratification of pats on the back or heartfelt thanks, and in fact can be met with confusion and incredulity and resistance.

To compound things, we are all imperfect parents and bosses and civic leaders and change agents. Sometimes we don't know what is the right thing to do. Sometimes we do know but execute it poorly. Sometimes we have bad days. And sometimes we absolutely stick the landing and are met with apathy or outrage anyway.

It is not easy to be any of these things. And it is not easy to experience unpopularity in trying to lean into these things. So how to proceed? Going back to high school for a sec, what would it look like to not have popularity be one's north star? To prioritize becoming a person of integrity, to practice kindness in the face of opposition, to care more about being true to self than to squeeze into someone else's sense of how to be, to pursue justice even if it requires standing alone or being assailed.

We are all on a journey, and there is comfort in popularity. Sometimes our journey takes us to an uncomfortable and lonely place; we feel we must go a certain way, even if the external messaging doesn't seem to be reinforcing that it's the right way. If that is you, take heart and keep on.