Arleen took her sons—Jori was thirteen, Jafaris was five—to a homeless shelter, which everyone called the Lodge so you could tell your kids, “We’re staying at the Lodge tonight,” like it was a motel.
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Arleen took her sons—Jori was thirteen, Jafaris was five—to a homeless shelter, which everyone called the Lodge so you could tell your kids, “We’re staying at the Lodge tonight,” like it was a motel.
Here are a few excerpts from a book I recently
read, "Divine Comedy," by Dante Alighieri.
I’ve often lamented in this space about the divisiveness in our contemporary culture. But today I want to sound a related but different alarm, which is that we are not only shutting ourselves off from interaction with “the other side” but from any meaningful social interaction at all.
Blame Netflix, social media, or poor health habits all you want. The fact of the matter is that many of us have largely chosen to deprioritize the kinds of social interactions that were commonplace just a generation ago. I’m not talking about going out on planned things like dates and family vacations and business dinners. I’m talking about the banal rhythms of everyday life: chatting with a neighbor as you grab the paper in the morning, saying hi to “the regulars” at your local Y, and Monday morning quarterbacking around the office water cooler.
We are in a vicious doom loop of isolation, unhappiness, distrust, and more isolation. Not good for our individual and collective health, or for our ability to see humanity in others different from us. Particularly pronounced among our young “digital natives,” who are more likely to “hang out” with their friends virtually (or, even when together in person, to have noses buried in screens). And particularly damaging to our elders, for whom social connection builds the resilience they need to overcome the isolating effects of aging.
I don’t know the societal solution that turns this around. I do know that I have influence on my children, to go out and be with others rather than stay home and watch TV. And I do know that I can prepare for the older version of me, that perhaps through church and golf and the gym I can access the social touches that will keep me from spiraling into suspicion, conspiracy, and loneliness. I can only hope that, as a society and as individuals, we will choose together over apart.
If I may append a fun anecdote to this post from this month, I found the Eagles Super Bowl championship parade to be a sublime experience. Obviously it was great to celebrate a dominant team and a decisive win. But I think what I enjoyed the most about the gathering of me and about a million other football fans was the cheery spirit that was exhibited by all in attendance. We were united, if only for a day, with a shared allegiance to and appreciation of our local football team. And that collegiality was infectious.
I was with Asher, my 9-year-old, and two friends, who I’ll call Hannah and Steve. At one point, it was so crowded and we were going against the general direction of people movement that I grabbed Asher’s hand and Hannah grabbed his other hand and we slowly wormed our way through the crowd. When we finally emerged, minutes later, into a more open area, we started walking at a normal pace until we realized that Steve (who is a big guy) had been caught up in the crowd and was taking much longer to catch up to us. In a panic, we called at to him to try to locate him and get him back to us. Others around us picked up on our plight and joined us in calling out Steve’s name.
When Steve eventually emerged from the crowd and caught up to us, everyone cheered and then started chanting his name as if it were part of the Eagles’ fight song: S! T! E! V! E! Steve! And then they resumed their festivities while we went on our way. It was but a moment, but a telling one, that a football team, a Super Bowl win, and a large-scale gathering in the middle of downtown Philadelphia, could engender such spontaneous and joyous togetherness. I hope we can have many more such moments, as a city and as a society. For our individual health and our collective democracy depend on it.
This Monday, my bus ride home had to route around the Penn campus. Looking out the window I saw heavy police presence, which I later searched for online to learn it was a pro-Palestine march that had taken over the main autostreet through campus. According to this post by an independent campus newsorganization, protestors chanted things like “Israel is a terrorist state” and “Intifada, intifada, long live the intifada.”
As I wrote a couple of months ago, this generation is outraged, so much so that a large proportion found the murder of an insurance executivelast year to be justified. I am trying to give wide berth to the notion that things can get so messed up that violence, while hard to justify in cold blood, at the very least evokes some empathy. Friends of mine who I respect have instructed me on the logic of revolutions, which are sometimes necessary and seldom bloodless.
I remain unconvinced that we should celebrate people who kill leaders we don’t like, and am horrified at who else’s hit would be applauded rather than condemned. I’m just trying to hold that in tension with people feeling so aggrieved that drastic measures seem not only acceptable but warranted.
But I also want to say that words matter. I am certainly no
expert on the Middle East, including the positions and emotions held by all
sides on this complex issue. But, I think that makes mine a reasonable perspective
to consider, as a reasonably well-educated but lay observer to these events.
And, from that perspective, I have to express grave reservations against the rhetoric
being employed in these protests.
But, inflammatory words do have consequence. “Intifada,” “river to the sea,” “hands drenched in blood,” and other words with violent connotations cannot possibly be interpreted in any other way than to be incendiary. Either those marching and yelling these words are ignorant of the historical weaponization of those words, or they are quite aware and are using them with intent. I find either possibility deeply troubling.
I will be the first to tell you that disagreement is the bedrock
of our country. I am eager to keep an open mind, to be told I’m wrong and that
I need to take something more seriously, that wholesale change is needed and
revolution is the only means to effect that change. And, I cannot say I have a clear
sense of how to register justified outrage, let alone how to move towards lasting
change. But I do know that deeply hurtful claims, whether said out of ignorance
or intention, are harmful.
Books I've read lately that I would recommend:
The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother (McBride). Exquisitely written, a searing look into the author's sense of childhood and identity.
God's Bankers: A History of Money and Power at the Vatican (Posner). Love this kind of investigative exploration into an entity that is widely known but there's so much juicy stuff below the surface.
Divine Comedy: Inferno, Purgatorio, Paradiso (Alighieri). Deservedly one of the great books in all of Western literature.
Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City (Desmond). I learned much from this firsthand account of what it is like to teeter on the brink of eviction.
Native Nations: A Millennium in North America (DuVal). Helpful to gain a more nuanced understanding of the Native struggle on this continent.
Covenant of Water (Verghese). A beautiful multi-generational story of love and loss.
A couple of months ago I recorded a few life lessons I feel I’ve learned from the game of golf. And then I promptly forgot about the list (even if I have continued to integrate the insights onto the course and the rest of my world).
I figured today would be a fun day to revisit and elaborate
on these life lessons. And, it serves as a nice boost to the mental aspect of
my golf game to think these things through further.
1. Cheating only cheats yourself.
I’m not gunning to qualify for the professional circuit,
just trying to compete against myself. And the only good way to do so is to
come by your scores honestly; otherwise you’re not getting better at the game,
just at gaming the game. Not that I’ve been perfect at this, as I’ve been known
to be expansive in my definition of a “gimme” putt or “accidentally” kick my
ball to a better lie (although to be fair, it’s usually to keep up pace of play
or compensate for bad conditions). Similarly, in life if you cheat, then whatever
you gain from the cheat you lose from short-cutting some other beneficial thing
that could’ve happened if you didn’t cheat.
2. Don’t let anger over a bad shot or joy from a good shot distract you from what you need to do for the next shot.
When I was first getting started (and this is still largely
true), I was always the worst and least experienced player in the group. It was
stark for me to watch folks go about their business on the course, compared to
my plummeting when I hit a bad shot or soaring the few times I hit a good one.
Emotional responses are natural, but not if they get in the way of your ability
to focus on the shot in front of you (because you’re still either cursing or
celebrating your previous one). In life, it’s good to mourn bad things and
celebrate good things, and it’s also good to give yourself fully to this
present moment.
3. Even if you’re competing w/others, you should want them to do well.
Professional golf is literally a competition, where I win by
doing better than others. Even then, golfers will show genuine excitement when
their opponents do something great. The sport and the shared humanity are
bigger than the competition, in that regard. So it is in life, where we can
want to win and yet also want those we compete with to excel. I’m not often
competing on the course, but I will say the few times I do (e.g. “let’s play
closest to the pin on this tee shot, loser buys lunch”), I find myself rooting
for the others even more, I guess because part of the competitive juices
flowing is wanting to compete against the best versions of your opponents.
4. Luck is such that good shots can lead to bad results, and bad shots can lead to good results.
“Trust the process” has been beaten into the ground around
here, but it is no less true. Luck can ruin what was otherwise a good decision
and action, or mask what was otherwise a poor decision and action. But a good
golf game and a good life is not built on one-off chances, but rather on doing
the right things the right way, accepting that any given situation may be
random, and trusting that in the long haul things will work out your way if you
keep at it. If I had a bad swing but a good result, I will still make note to
work on that swing, just like if I failed to prepare for a meeting and it still
went well, I will still want to make note not to be unprepared like that again.
Similarly, if I had a good swing but a bad result, I want my takeaway to be one
that boosts my confidence rather than negates my abilities, just like if did a
good job in an interview but didn’t get the project, I want to hold my head up
high and feel good about what I was able to accomplish.
5. Practicing w/intent builds muscle memory and confidence; both are needed to perform on the course.
Baseball ironman Cal Ripken Jr. used to say “practice doesn’t
make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.” Meaning that what makes practice
work is that you are practicing the right things the right way. Golf, like most
things we learn in life, depends on creating muscle memory such that you are
able to execute without thinking after a while. Practicing with intention is
what creates that muscle memory. Also, since golf is so much about rhythm and
confidence, executing a specific shot in practice boosts your comfort level
that you can execute that same shot elsewhere. So much success in life is about
deciding what is worth practicing, figuring out how to practice it, and then
putting in the work until it becomes routinized. Everything after that is easy,
because you have trained your body and boosted your confidence to be able to do
it on call. Whether on the course or in life, I find myself telling myself, “OK
you’ve practiced this exact scenario before and you know what to do,” and then
I don’t need any more thoughts because I’m ready to go.
6. Surround yourself w/people who make you happy.
As an introvert who doesn’t mind playing solo rounds, I have to say the social aspect of golf is probably my favorite thing. There’s something about being outdoors, playing an impossible game, and traveling from hole to hole and shot to shot, that lubricates social interaction and fosters incredible chemistry. I’ve been lucky to avoid playing with people who are jerks, and have tried hard to myself not be a jerk. There’s nothing that can happen on a golf course that makes up for spending the round with someone who you don’t want to be around. I think that applies to all other aspects of one’s life too. Choose your playing partners wisely! And then be the sort of companion you want your companions to be. Life is too short and stress is too costly to act otherwise.
7. Whether you’re trusting your gut or overriding it because someone has advised otherwise, own the action without wavering.
By nature, I’m probably more on the reserved and cautious side. In my life, I’ve had to train myself to be more decisive. I’ve learned that the best time to make a decision is usually earlier than I might otherwise feel comfortable doing so, because that comfort-seeking can mask an unwillingness to commit that ends up hurting me more than it helps me. However you end up making a decision – whether trusting your gut, weighing the options and then making a call, or taking the advice of someone you trust – you have to own that decision and move on it without regret. This could not be more practical than on the golf course, where any uncertainty about what you’re trying to do gets reflected in an imprecise swing and a bad result.
8. Wisdom is knowing where you can miss and where you can’t.
Course management is particularly important for those of us
who are still learning to control distance and aim. We know we are going to
miss our spot a lot, so the question is what misses can you live with and what misses
will prove more costly. I think this is my most powerful metaphor between golf
and life. I’ve learned to assess a situation on the course, decide what my
safest play is, and proceed accordingly. In fact, whether I’m alone or with
others, I usually say my thought process aloud: “ok, I have to get this chip
onto the green; I can live with a longer putt back down the hill, but what I
can’t do is under-hit it and end up in the bunker in front of the green.” This
risk assessment processing is critically important in life, which is similarly
filled with obstacles, uncertainty, and an imperfect ability to execute exactly
what we’re trying to accomplish.
Here are a few excerpts from a book I recently read, "The Complete Poetry," by Maya Angelou.
No Loser, No Weeper
I am #ProudlyPenn. Love the two degrees I earned there. Love serving on its design school advisory board. Love having them as a client. Love that I met my wife there. Love that my kids have been educated by a K-8 school supported by them. It's not hyperbole to say Penn has shaped my adult life.
It didn't have to be. I chose Penn when I was a high school senior, and am eternally grateful for the choice. But my life could've gone in a completely different direction at that fork in the road. Rather than wanting to "go off" to college, far away from home, rather than being attracted by the opportunity to attend the #1 undergraduate business school in the nation, heck rather than finding it cool that I'd be going to the city of Fresh Prince and Boyz II Men and Dr. J, I could've chosen another school to spend four years.
My top choice for the longest time was Berkeley. I'd been to campus countless times, including spending a summer there at debate camp. My closest friends were also going, I knew a million friends and family members that had had positive experiences there, and it checked a lot of boxes in terms of rigorous academics and urban environment. Indeed, I tell people that it was precisely because it was a foregone conclusion that I would be going there that I chose to not go there, because what is college if it is not a launch out into the unknown, to find yourself as you flail around amid knowing no one and no thing?
But a parallel universe in which I went to Berkeley would've likely been a great life: great education, great times with old friends and making new friends, and probably staying in California after graduation, which would've been a wonderful existence. Although I would not trade places with my current situation.
I also got into the University of Michigan. In addition to freezing my butt off, I think I would've loved Ann Arbor, that quintessential of all college towns. And college sports would've been a much bigger part of my undergraduate experience. After all, this is the University of Michigan, a perennial football powerhouse and I would've overlapped with the Fab Five of Chris Webber et al. That would've been fun!
Finally, I also got into MIT. It's crazy to think about a parallel existence in which I fall for Boston instead of Philly. Would I now be talking in a Bahstahn accent and rooting for the Celtics? It also would've been interesting to invest in my more technical side, which I did well in high school on the more science-y subjects but had less interest in them. Who knows if going to nerd heaven would've been frustrating or fulfilling, and what sort of career that would have launched me into?
This is all one big thought exercise. I'm lucky to say that, if given a chance to go back in time and make different choices, I would not, because I firmly believe I'm in the top 1 percent of outcomes my life could've had, so to roll the dice and do it all over again would likely land me worse off in lots of ways than the status quo. Still, it's crazy to think that this major life decision that set the course of this amazing life I've had, was taken when I was all of 18 years old and didn't know hardly anything. God is good and His plans are sovereign, so I pray peace and power for all the other 18 year olds out there making major life decisions. Happiness can be had in lots of different ways, and I hope you're lucky enough to find as much happiness as I've had. And, go Quakers!
Here are a few excerpts from a book I recently read, "The Aeneid," by Vergil.
Now Neptune sensed the sea’s chaos and clamor,
Here are a few excerpts from a book I recently read, "Moby Dick," by Herman Melville. Again, I always go to sea as a sailor, bec...