The Good Pain

Whether embedded in my DNA, learned from my parents, or forged through my spiritual journey as a Christian, I feel like there are three characteristics about me that have served me well in both my professional career and the important role I play as a parent.  And they all have to do with pain.

By nature, humans when attacked either clam up, get defensive, or fight back.  Humans, as social creatures, thrive on affirmation and abhor rejection.  And no one welcomes suffering or discomfort.

INTJs, of which I am one, are often accused of being cold and calculating, lacking empathy.  Maybe it’s true.  I know it’s true of me and I want to do better.  But I also know that sometimes that aspect of INTJ-ness is useful. 

When it’s important to hold your ground, either on a business, civic, or parenting matter, this aspect of INTJ-ness can be helpful.  It is a helpful trait to not feel the need to respond to every attack on you.  It is a helpful trait to do the right thing even if it leads to criticism and ostracization.  And it is a helpful trait to be willing to endure hardship and pain in order to do that right thing.

Empathy is still needed.  As a boss, making the tough call must also come with showing that you care, making room for people to be heard, and actually listening and being willing to have your mind changed.  And as a parent, we do so much that our kids might not like or understand, but holding the line should also come with it a tenderness of love for our kids and a willingness to let them express their displeasure. 

Still, being willing to endure pain is a good trait too.  Most things worth doing, like being a leader or being a parent, involve pain.  The pain of being yelled.  The pain of being isolated and shunned.  The pain of leaning into hardship and discomfort.  I don't like the pain, but I do like that I care more about doing the right thing than avoiding the pain.