What Am I Worth

I ran this quote earlier in the month from a book I recently read, "What Made Maddy Run: The Secret Struggles and Tragic Death of an All-American Teen," by Kate Fagan: 

I am sick and tired of hearing the facile, tired response that my generation is “soft” and has been ill equipped by coddling “helicopter parents.” My parents, and those of my peers do not fit this straw man caricature and my peers are extremely hard-working, intelligent, and ambitious. I went to weekly group therapy provided by my school’s Counseling Center last year. What I learned about myself and about my peers was that our main source of stress was that we were simply not allowed to be human. My generation is not suffering because we didn’t learn how to lose a game of flag football. We’re suffering because everything we do is filtered through a lens of consumerism. We see ourselves as “products” to be “branded” and “marketed” in all venues of our lives: social, romantic, and professional. This has been a mindset inculcated into us from an early age. 

Everything we do is seen as instrumental towards marketing ourselves for the college admission boards, or for the job market, or to help us rush a fraternity or sorority, or to help us win friends, or to help us be a more attractive potential partner. You see the capitalist worldview has infiltrated our psychology, and our sense of self-worth. And it is toxic. It results in fear of being ourselves and following what we really want to do. It results in micro-managing every aspect of our lives to best effect so that it looks good for Facebook or LinkedIn or Tinder. It results in constant comparisons with our peers (which causes depression) and catastrophizing of any potential dent to our marketability (which results in anxiety). Essentially, it results in a dehumanized mindset.

These words are not from Madison Holleran, the Penn student and track star who tragically took her own life in 2014, nor are they from Fagan, the author of this book, but are rather from a student/therapist transcript that was posted as part of an NPR episode about mental health on college campuses.  They resonate with me because they get at an important struggle our young people face in an age of always-on social media and stressful college admissions processes, which is the struggle with self-worth.

But it isn't just young people who are wrestling with what their self-worth is, where it comes from, and how to cope with the perceived rises and falls of that self-worth.  All of us, even and perhaps especially those of us who come across as confident and even cocky, struggle with self-worth.  When we can't seem to get anything right, we get down on ourselves.  When we can't measure up to the standard portrayed by those around us (either in our real life or on our virtual platforms), we are filled with envy and jealousy.  Even when we are on a lifelong winning streak, our egos trick us into thinking we are impenetrable, and yet all of us will hit a bump along the way, whether personal tragedy or a rare off day, or saving even that, then just the vagaries of growing old and not being able to do as much as we used to.

I realize I can speak this from the privilege of having survived the tumultuous years that are adolescence and young adulthood.  And yet perhaps it is because of this perspective that I can say with confidence and peace that any self-worth that is based on our own performance or on our own story-telling of our performance (either to ourselves in the form of the ways we choose to remember our lives, or to others in the form of what we post on social media and what we tell others) is doomed to create a life full of doubt and tumult.  

What I have found is a stronger and surer buffer against life's choppy waves is being rooted in who made me, who loves me, who died for me, and who is preparing an eternal home for me.  Though our faith may be shaken, even to the core, the one in whom we place our faith is unchanging and sure.  We may still wrestle with vanity, pride, depression, and poor self-esteem.  But our way is surer when our sense of self-worth is anchored to something beyond ourselves and our frail bodies and minds.     

It is clear from my read of Fagan's book that Madison Holleran suffered from depression, which is a terrible and bewildering thing.  And it is clear that many of our young people similarly wrestle with mental health issues, and thank goodness there is less stigma and more resources to work through them.  Wherever we are on the spectrum of mental wholeness, let us seek the help we need, let others in on our joys and our pains, and ultimately consider being found in a love that will not let go ever.