Mid-Life Moment

 

Ah, the early fifties...a time for one or more of the stereotypical acts of a middle-aged man: earring, sports car, or affair. I had a middle school teacher who did earring and sports car at the same time (I didn't know him well enough to ask if he'd completed the trifecta). Realizing that there's likely less life ahead of than behind you can possess a man to shake things up, chase thrills, or otherwise add some spice. 

But there's another thing that can happen in this mid-life moment. You can realize that things are really great. And you know else is great, is being content that things are great, rather than grasping for more or being apologetic with what you do have.

I feel very, very blessed. Sure, I have regrets and envy and shoot-for-the-moon aspirations. But I realize that, as if life were one big Monte Carlo simulation, if I ran it back a million times, I'm probably living in the 1 percent of outcomes that could've transpired in my life. I am aware of that and I am deeply appreciative of that.

Contentment in mid-life does take intention, though, hence today's post. Time doesn't permit a full accounting, but as I contemplate how I feel about myself, the following happy thoughts come to mind:

1. I like the family I have assembled. There's no doubt we have our highs and lows, our joys and our sorrows. But I would not trade Amy, Jada, Aaron, or Asher for all the gold in the world. 

2. I like what I've accomplished in my career. There's more I want to do, for sure, but I'm not haunted by a sense I should've done more nor bashful to take pride in what I have done. My work life could've gone a thousand different ways throughout the years, but I don't really wish for any of those alternate realities because I'm content with the path I did take and the experiences I did have along the way.

3. I'm comfortable in my own skin, literally. I joke that I'm at the age where if I work out harder I'll injure myself, and if I ease up I'll fall out of shape, so it feels like a bit of a hamster wheel. But, that's too dour an outlook to represent how I really feel about my health and fitness. What I really feel is that things are just right. I don't want to get more ripped, nor do I want to let myself go. I'm happier with my body now than I have ever been in my life.

4. I'm comfortable in my own skin, figuratively. My teens are at the age where everything I do is, as they say, "cringe." Well, I don't care. I do all the stereotypical "dad" behavior - corny jokes, packing snacks, chatting up restaurant workers - and love every minute of it. Obviously it feels better to be liked than not. But you know what feels even better? Just being, without caring whether you are liked or not.

5. I have a good relationship with money. I don't aspire for way more, and I don't care to show off what I do have. I'm more comfortable spending it, and just as happy to retain many frugal habits. 

6. I have a good relationship with golf. I no longer apologize to my playing partners that I'm terrible, not because I'm not terrible but because I know that even if I play bad I'm not going to hold them up. It's taken just as much energy to work on my mental game as the physical aspects, but I'm in a good place in terms of celebrating the good shots and not cursing at myself over the bad ones.

Perhaps a mid-life crisis is still looming for me. But for now, I'm feeling the opposite of what often drives men to mid-life crisis responses. Rather than shame, envy, or covetousness, I feel grateful. And, if it makes any sense, I feel grateful to feel grateful. Meaning that I recognize I have it good, and I recognize that gratitude is the appropriate response to that, and I recognize that it is good that I am feeling that appropriate response. Life is good, at this moment.