The Importance of Belonging

 

 

I have written often about being a "see both sides" moderate in a sea of divisiveness. But it doesn't take being in the middle to be perplexed or enraged at people seeming to ignore, pervert, or otherwise not accept what we consider to be the plain facts staring them in the face. Whether presidential elections, global health crises, or conflict in the Middle East, many of us are collectively exasperated at what appears to be willful denial by those who do not share our beliefs.

At the risk of sounding too cynical, I would argue that, for as frustrating and unproductive as this is, it is to be expected. Because as humans, as important as truth and progress and peace are, more centrally vital to us is a sense of belonging.

"Tribal" is a loaded word that I probably shouldn't use in this context. But it is telling to me that the long-running reality show "Survivor" uses the word "tribes" when talking about the teams that are pitted against each other for comfort, immunity, and ultimately a million dollars. And it is "Survivor" that underscored for me that "belonging" trumps all when it comes to how humans communicate, interact, and compete.

Survival is in the name of the show, and when it first aired that was what was emphasized, was "who can survive these trying elements" of isolation and cold and insufficient food. But from the beginning, it became clear that winning in this convoluted contest had little to do with who was strongest, most cunning, or even who had the strongest will to just tough it out. Rather, it was about alliances: forming them, breaking them, securing them, and scrambling them. When it comes to survival, it's not what you do, it's who you ally with.

And why would this not surprise us? Because we humans value belonging above all else. We value many other things, to be sure. We pursue truth. We seek comfort. We fight for justice. We want to be happy. But our basest impulses are to belong. To say it another way, our greatest fear is to be cast out.

Filter all we're arguing about from that lens. The people that produce the news and the people that consume the news are seeking many things, but most of all they are acting "tribally." And they are doing so not because they don't love truth or justice or money or comfort, but rather because they value something even greater than those things. 

Is this right or wrong? If wrong, how do I as an individual change that system? How do I even survive in that system and have integrity? These are questions for another time. I'm just trying to get you to see things in a different light. We may still be frustrated that people are being ignorant or deceptive or just plain malicious. But we may no longer be taken by surprise by it.