Man in Motion

Something I'm trying to be more self-aware about is an innate and often unhealthy need to be in a rush. Yes, my life is busy. Yes, it's good to be productive. Yes, I'm glad I have good time management skills. But one needn't always be on the go. Heck, my pace at times is downright frantic.

To be sure, there are times when this is appropriate. Things can conspire such that you have to whiz from thing to thing just to get everything done. But I've noticed lately I act this way way more often than is required. I am so focused on the future that I've neglected to be present in the present. I catch myself and start to have an internal conversation: "Why are you in a rush?" "Slow down." "Be present."

It was golf, of all things, that made me realize this most clearly. Golf, my new hobby, my first ever adult hobby. The sliver of free time I've given myself permission to enjoy. And yet all too often I whiz through this unnecessarily. I'm rushing through a chilly day to get back inside. I'm worried about getting back to the office or back home in time. I'm nervous about being in the way of the group behind me. This is during the very thing I've gladly put in my life to have a little bit of leisure!

I will psycho-analyze what's going on at a later date. For now, I am naming this trait of mine, and acknowledging it is often a bad thing. 

I will say this. It now makes sense to me why some of my most self-reflective times come when I am on the move, say on a plane or train or bus. I've had incredible insights about my life, journaled deeply and richly, or just sank into a good book, while cuddled up in a seat racing down the street or in the air. It's like the fact that I am in motion gives me permission to be in the present, because I am simultaneously going somewhere, like I'm allowed to be still because I am also making progress towards some destination. It's not a coincidence that on my days off not only do I go to a city to bike around, but I usually take the bus or train to that city because part of the respite is the opportunity to be still while on the go.

I would like to get better at being present absent this cue. I should give myself room to just be, without having to rush everywhere. But I am thankful for moments on the go when I am truly able to rest and be still.