In My Feelings

 

The end of the year usually brings a break from work and school, festive thoughts, and maybe a fun trip.  Of course, the year we've gotten through has been unlike any other.  Maybe you're congratulating yourself for surviving it, defiant that your spirits remain unbroken, or driven about making 2021 great.  I'm a little of all those things.  But, in the interest of self-care, I'm also giving myself space to feel all that needs to be felt in measure of all that happened in 2020.

 

 

A deadly virus is, to put it mildly, scary.  And while I kept a level head and did what I had to do to protect myself and my family, I was never too far away from the sheer panic of sickness and proliferation and even death.  You don't skate past that without feeling the heaviness, or if you do then you're deluding yourself.  So I've been allowing myself a moment to sit in that terror.

This unprecedented public health disaster also laid bare the deep inequities in our society.  I am deeply acquainted with these disparities, but this year made it more stark and brought it much closer.  This is a matter of economics and policy and politics and governance, yes.  But you would have to be a robot for it to not also leave you infuriated or defeated or distraught or motivated.  And in the busyness of my life, to say nothing of my place of relative privilege, it takes intentional effort to make room to feel those emotions and in doing so to react appropriately to the great challenge of our times.

Which brings me to another topic of heaviness, that of racial trauma.  Seeing an endless loop of violence upon black bodies, protest, and indifference has weighed particularly heavy upon me, especially as a father of a Black boy.  Parents in general, we're never too far from bursting out in tears as we think of these precious parts of us running around in a world that is dangerous and broken and evil and unforgiving.  And parents of Black children must contend with the reality that the world our children are growing up into often times attacks, harms, and even extinguishes the lives of people who look like our babies.  As hard as it has been at times, I have allowed myself to feel that dread, for to not do so is to numb myself from a reality that is all around me and that I must step fully into.  But oh how I tremble with fear as I think of my sweet Asher having to navigate this world with caution and care.  I think I broke a little, thinking about it all, and I know I'm not alone.

Feelings are what make us human.  2020 has meant a lot of good feelings, too, lest we forget how much we are to be grateful for.  But man what a hard and trying year it has been.  Yet as heavy as it has been, it has seemed necessary for my sanity that I take the typical end-of-year reflection time that is afforded me to sit more fully in those feelings.  I encourage you to do the same.