Hard to Believe

Faith is hard.  I run in largely secular circles, which are ambivalent if not antagonistic to traditional spiritual practices.  (Notable exceptions are my church community, of course, which is wonderful, but also my Muslim barber, with whom I have deep religious conversations and graciously share points of agreement and disagreement.)  Socially, the water I swim in, as it were, does not willingly point me to the divine, and in some cases seeks to repel me.

I’m also older.  A wide-eyed youthful lens has given way to the hardened perspective that comes from observing life in all its messiness.  The good guy doesn’t always seem to win; in fact, sometimes the good guy is stomped on or passed over or misunderstood.  The story rarely resolves as quickly or neatly as you imagine, and in fact often metastasizes into something quite messy and tragic.  I am more familiar with evil – the evil in me and around me – with how long it’s been around, and just how entrenched and insidious it is.  How can an all-loving and all-powerful God allow such injustices?

Lives cut short by violence.  Intractable physical and mental illnesses.  Families, blocks, and entire neighborhoods torn asunder.  Racism and racial violence, sexism and sexual abuse, far more prevalent than I can bear, far more deeply rooted than I can stomach.  All around me are beautiful demonstrations of love, to be sure, but also terrible expressions and consequences of hate.  Where is God in all this?

It can be hard to believe.  If belief is mental or even emotional assent to a set of truths, what I believe makes sense to me.  It is internally consistent, helpful as a moral compass, even inspirational.  But if belief is more visceral and encompassing than that – and I believe it is – then it is hard to believe.

I am writing today not to let you in on my existential musings, but rather to say that within that wandering and wondering, I am profoundly thankful for some dear friends who have stayed in my life for decades.  Whether we just talked or it’s been years, please know that you buoy up my faith.  Your love, your prayers, your own life example.  Your encouraging words, wise counsel, and graciously delivered swift kicks in my behind.  All are part of God reminding me, I got this and I got you.  Your words, your hugs, your availability are physical manifestations of a divine love that will not let me go.  You are proof that faith is real, as is the One in whom I place my faith.  So friend, I say thank you.