Redefining Manhood

We've made a lot of progress in our society in terms of our social mores.  We still have a long way to go, in things like racism and domestic abuse and economic equity and basic decency.  But when I think of how far we've come in these and other areas, I am simultaneously encouraged and challenged.

But with these evolutions can come some gnashing of teeth.  We believe we are going in the right direction, but we are uncertain of what these changes mean for our place in society, our definitions of success, and our very sense of identity.  We may not have liked how things were before, but at least we understood them.  In a dysfunctional way, we may have even derived comfort from the brokenness, which I realize sounds crazy but how many times (unless you are really in touch with yourself and have gotten some very good therapy) have you been afraid to change a bad situation in your life because you preferred the familiarity of the devil you knew over the scariness of letting go of that devil. 

So it is with what we today call "toxic masculinity."  Lately I have been contemplating what it means to be a man, and wanted to get some thoughts down as a way to process these contemplations.  To continue the point above, my ultimate goal is to call out attitudes that I and other harbor, to shine a light on just how backward and destructive they are, and to forge a way forward that says that no matter how bewildering are the alternatives to these rules and definitions, they are greatly preferred to allowing such perversions to continue.   (By the way, I welcome others' thoughts on manhood.  And for that matter on womanhood, which I would love to hear more about and can't even begin to attempt to speak to myself.)

Consider with me a number of things that used to define manhood barely a generation ago (i.e. within my lifetime), and ponder how these definitions have changed or are still the same, and what healing or forward progress is left to be had.  Think about how you yourself may have learned and taken on these markers of manhood: did you observe them from male figures in your life, or have them instruct you directly, or did you infer them from popular music or TV ads?  Note just how many of these characteristics are either overtly manifestations of toxic masculinity, or can easily become so if we are not careful.

In no particular order, being a man once meant -

1. Being strong, smart, and/or rich.  All of which taps into our need to be in control, to provide, to protect.  None of which are inherently bad things.  But when we define our manliness by these things, we are vulnerable to all manner of ruin, whether pride or envy.  And lest you consider pride and envy to be harmless things, I contend that when they are connected to our core sense of masculinity, we are in a very dangerous place, in terms of our impulses, our behaviors, and I would dare say our very souls.

2. Gaining and wielding power.  How many political, military, and business campaigns are fueled by nothing more than misplaced masculinity?  Cut-throat actions, toppling others, and brutal violence are both means to a desired end and in a perverted way their own ends.  For they signal how important domination is, that we are willing to trample over others and even over the very sense of decency and decorum, in order to gain an ultimate prize.  How destructive and yet how pervasive is this thinking. 

3. Having a career in safety or service, like police and fire and military.  Much love and appreciation for those whose vocation involves a uniform, a civic duty, a rugged physicality.  Nothing wrong with these occupations, and in fact there is much to commend.  But we have been trained to consider these more manly professions than say kindergarten teacher, accountant, or nurse.  Are they?  All are noble things to give ourselves to, and none are inherently more or less able to be good men in.

4. Never showing need, weakness, or vulnerability.  Now we're getting into some really toxic stuff.  How much was it beaten into you to not cry, ask for help, or otherwise put yourself out there emotionally?  Even worse, how many times was it instructed to you in the form of "don't be such a girl."  Wow, so let's keep boys from being emotionally healthy AND get a dig in on the female sex while we're at it.  This is some really harmful messaging, and I think we really need to shine a spotlight on it in order to root it out in our hearts and in our society.  By the way, I would argue that no matter how much most people consider being in touch with your feelings and being OK with being vulnerable is actually a very male thing, and how many good role models we have in this area, we continue to reinforce this destructive definition of manhood to this day.  And it's really sad to see.

5. Pleasing a woman sexually.  I scarcely need to tell you how prevalent this message is in pop culture, whether via movies, songs, or ads.  Nor do I need to elaborate much on just how toxic this definition of manhood can be, with devastating consequences for both men and women.  Look, I'm not asking everyone to be a prude.  Sexual intimacy is a wonderful thing.  Our bodies were made to give and receive pleasure.  Being a monk is not the pinnacle of manhood.  But nor is a mindset that is all about attraction and conquest and fantasy.  Guys, we have to do much better, in our inner thoughts and in our interactions with women and in the messages we put out there for the rest of the world to digest. 

6. Winning, and not just winning but dominating.  This is maybe an America thing just as much as it is a guy thing, but the idolatry of winning and of domination is truly an idolatry.  And we men bow down to it daily, in our own lives and vicariously through the tribes we affiliate with.  Winning feels great, but I would argue that it is subordinate in defining who we are as men to how we act when winning and after winning, not to mention when losing and after losing.  We men like to literally keep score - victories, championships, dynasties - but the real mark of a man is in his character, which may have little to do with outwardly known wins and losses.

I've done this post a little backwards.  I should've led with this: what does it mean to be a man?  I do think there is an aspect of "protect and provide," although not from a place of being dismissive of others (as if they can't protect or provide for themselves) or domineering of others (as if our protecting and providing people now entitles us to bully and control them).  I also think there is an aspect of "love and respect," which is to say that to be a man means to love and respect others, and to do so from a place of loving and respecting ourselves and so wanting to extend that to others. 

What a world it would be if we committed ourselves to this kind of manliness!  We men have a long way to go to be better.  Reading over my list above, I realize how so many of these things still resonate in my heart and among my fellow men.  I am genuinely anguished over ways I and other men have done badly.  But while we have breath, there is time to be better.  Let's do better.