17 Years of "For Better and for Worse"

Seventeen years ago late last week Amy and I said "I do" to a shared journey of "for better and for worse."  Of course, late last week was also one of those "worse" moments, in that we went from waiting to board a plane to meet our baby girl to finding out that the adoption might be off, a verdict that was finally made official earlier this week.  Amy and I are still grieving, and it hurts all over.  Sometimes my heart aches so much and I am so out of breath that all I can do is hold my chest.  Other times my legs turn to mush and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach.  And Amy feels even worse.

We will continue to go through the mourning process, and in fact it is probably going to take some time.  Indeed, it is a loss we will probably go to our graves feeling.

But to heck if I'm going to miss the chance to take a moment to celebrate our marriage and my wife in the midst of all of this.  One of the things I love about Amy is that she is not afraid to love big, even at great cost to herself.  She is on one level a very conservative person: she dresses modestly, is quiet and shy, and does not do crazy things for fun.  But on another level she is fearless about risking it all in the name of love, even making room for three (and, we continue to hope, someday four) children despite the possibility each time that her hopes will be dashed and her dreams crushed.  She puts her heart on the line, exposing herself to the potential for ruinous and devastating loss, and as we are finding out this month those losses are not theoretical but real and painful.  But for her, love makes it worth it.  For that I am grateful, and for that I say happy anniversary to my beb.

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