2016 Predictions Guaranteed or Your Money Back

It’s time to gaze into the ol’ crystal ball, say crazy stuff, and hope that no one checks after the fact.

These were my predictions from a year ago:

1. Two words: Jeb Bush.  Two more words: hot mess.

2. Drones the size of tarantulas debut in emergency rescue simulations.  I.e. everything in Minority Report is eventually coming true.  This’ll come.  Just give it time.  Spielberg is just that far ahead of his time.

3. Nine more Fortune 500 CEOs announce they are gay.  This didn’t happen but it might still be true.

4. The NFL has seen child abuse, domestic violence, sexual assault, murder, bounties, prostitutes, steroids, dogfighting, sexting, drugs, and did I miss anything?  Well, this coming year will bring a high-profile coach throwing games to pay back a gambling debt.  Nah, we got Deflategate instead.  Yawn.

5. Seemingly unstoppable public momentum concerning policies about marijuana use, police cameras, and net neutrality hit a brick wall.  Slowing, maybe.  Brick wall, probably not.

Meh.  Here’s 2016:

1. Google kills Google+, buys Twitter, and does an April Fools prank that is so good it causes a national security crisis.

2. Synthetic meat hits the shelves at Whole Foods for the first time.

3. Rio 2016 is an unmitigated logistical disaster, including a food poisoning or contagious infection outbreak that knocks out a huge number of marquee athletes. 

4. Silicon Valley’s woes come to a head – arrogant CEOs, lack of diversity, shaky state budget, transportation gridlock, social unrest, housing costs – leading to high-profile relocations to Seattle, Austin, and (drum roll please) Wilmington.

5. After 7 years of gridlock and obstinacy, President Obama and the Republican-controlled Congress have a really productive last year together, including all kinds of compromises – on immigration, deficit reduction, and energy policy – that confound cynical pundits and a fed-up public alike. 

6. Africa has its “Arab Spring” moment, as young tech-savvy social activists in country after country seize the global spotlight.