5.18.2007

Drivenness, Leaving Me

Anyone who knows me well knows that the sin I struggle with the most
is drivenness. Practically a positive trait in the world, drivenness
is a sin because it tells God that by sheer force of will, we can get
the kind of stuff done that we ought to be trusting in God's help for.
And for a God who is uniquely honored among His people for meeting
our needs instead of the other way around, that is indeed a high
offense.

Indeed, the most intractable kinds of sins are often the ones that
masquerade as positive traits. I can justify my drivenness in so many
ways that make me look good to Christians and non-Christians alike.
It can come across as strong work ethic, devotion, maximization of
resources, even piety. And in doing this, it makes repenting - a
fancy Christian word that basically means "to turn around" - all the
more difficult.

But I think, slowly but surely, drivenness is leaving me. This week
had more than its share of deadlines at work, but while I worked hard
and stressed a little, I also experienced some peace about being able
to deliver on time, and more importantly about being able to keep my
head above water throughout. By and large, despite juggling 15
different projects at work, when I get home I can leave them until the
next morning so that my mind is clear to give my daughter my undivided
attention. Our second child is on the way, but instead of fretting
about jamming a bunch of stuff into our schedule now while before it
becomes harder to do stuff, I'm chiefly concerned that my wife and I
get some rest and some relaxation in.

Maybe I'm just chilling out in my old age, not as much sweating the
small stuff because I've had my share of big stuff to sweat and have
done just fine. Maybe I'm fooling myself and am actually still just
as driven, just better at hiding it. Or maybe, just maybe God is at
work in me, answering my prayers and the prayers of those who know me
to trust Him more deeply, to laugh more easily, to not always feel so
under the gun to perform and to strive and to accomplish. Whatever it
is, if God is being glorified, may there be more of it.

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