TO THE WOMAN I LOVE
My wife turns 30 today. Last weekend, I was in Cincy for a buddy’s wedding, and the homily was given by a good friend of mine whose speaking skills and spiritual insights I admire. The main point of his talk was that people change, and that marriage isn’t about being with the person you love as much as it is about loving the person you’re being with. He looked straight at my buddy and his fiancée and said, “Sorry to break it to you, but the other person who you’re so madly in love with today? S/he’s not going to stay the same. People change over time.”
Some people in the audience squirmed a little, but I knew where he was going. “Marriage is saying, ‘Whoever happens to be in that body today, I’m going to figure out a way to love him/her.’ That’s the beautiful thing about marriage, because that’s how God is with us. He loves us, whoever we happen to be that day. And by loving each other in this way, you will be giving and experiencing something of God’s grace.”
It got me thinking, of course, about my own marriage. And it occurred to me that the reason why things are going so well in our marriage right now is that we’re learning how to love each other in this way, rather than just loving certain things about each other. I mean, while we are physically and intellectually attracted to each other and admire character qualities about each other, there exists a deeper form of love. It’s a love that doesn’t require the other “body” to be anybody or anything, but rather, as my friend put it, that seeks love whoever happens to be in that body on any given day.
I can certainly recall feelings of frustration when I was measuring my wife against a certain standard. Whether that standard was unrealistic and fed by mass media, or completely realistic and based on what I knew about her, is besides the point. The fact of the matter was that I was withholding feelings of genuine love until I saw something in the other person; if one day I saw it, I was happy as a clam, but if the next day I didn’t, I was disappointed or frustrated.
Which is not to say I don’t still think in this way. Or that we don’t seek to help the other person become better in some way. But rather, that we learn to offer genuine and unconditional love to “whoever happens to be in that body today.” More and more so, I have given and received that love. My wife and I have a ways to go, but in another sense we are hitting a nice groove. Sure, we still love things about each other. But we are learning to truly love one another, even and especially as we change over time, even and especially as we go through our human cycles of good days and bad days. I love you, baby.
My wife turns 30 today. Last weekend, I was in Cincy for a buddy’s wedding, and the homily was given by a good friend of mine whose speaking skills and spiritual insights I admire. The main point of his talk was that people change, and that marriage isn’t about being with the person you love as much as it is about loving the person you’re being with. He looked straight at my buddy and his fiancée and said, “Sorry to break it to you, but the other person who you’re so madly in love with today? S/he’s not going to stay the same. People change over time.”
Some people in the audience squirmed a little, but I knew where he was going. “Marriage is saying, ‘Whoever happens to be in that body today, I’m going to figure out a way to love him/her.’ That’s the beautiful thing about marriage, because that’s how God is with us. He loves us, whoever we happen to be that day. And by loving each other in this way, you will be giving and experiencing something of God’s grace.”
It got me thinking, of course, about my own marriage. And it occurred to me that the reason why things are going so well in our marriage right now is that we’re learning how to love each other in this way, rather than just loving certain things about each other. I mean, while we are physically and intellectually attracted to each other and admire character qualities about each other, there exists a deeper form of love. It’s a love that doesn’t require the other “body” to be anybody or anything, but rather, as my friend put it, that seeks love whoever happens to be in that body on any given day.
I can certainly recall feelings of frustration when I was measuring my wife against a certain standard. Whether that standard was unrealistic and fed by mass media, or completely realistic and based on what I knew about her, is besides the point. The fact of the matter was that I was withholding feelings of genuine love until I saw something in the other person; if one day I saw it, I was happy as a clam, but if the next day I didn’t, I was disappointed or frustrated.
Which is not to say I don’t still think in this way. Or that we don’t seek to help the other person become better in some way. But rather, that we learn to offer genuine and unconditional love to “whoever happens to be in that body today.” More and more so, I have given and received that love. My wife and I have a ways to go, but in another sense we are hitting a nice groove. Sure, we still love things about each other. But we are learning to truly love one another, even and especially as we change over time, even and especially as we go through our human cycles of good days and bad days. I love you, baby.
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